Antecedents, Behaviors, and Consequences! Oh my!
A) A compliment by Mama Caterpillar (MC)
B) Pride was minimized by embarrassment.
C) Responded emotionally by being upset and resentful.
MC says she meant well. I'm not so sure if I believe her. She said, "I wanted to tell Papa Caterpillar (PC) that you've lost weight" (feelings of pride and joy) "because you had gained weight" (feelings of hurt, disappointment, embarrassment, and defeat). Not five minutes before, MC offered to cook food. After a long drawn out argument, where I informed MC that she gave a very unwelcomed backhanded compliment and a few negative statements about myself, I gathered my things, tucked Baby Caterpillar (BC) in the car seat and headed home. The message on the way home in my brain was confusing. "Let me feed you!" "You lost a little, but it's nothing compared to the TONS you've gained." I get it. I'm a disgrace to your family, to PC's family, and to my husband's family. Everyone is embarrassed of how far I've gone and how awful I look. Don't they realize that I am FULLY AWARE of how I look and how they feel is only a minute portion of how I feel about myself and how I loathe myself?
Sabotage.
Earlier in the day, I took some steps to get my transformation done a little quicker and was pleased with the adjusted timeline. Immediately MC was on the warpath about how this would mess up her plans for the summer. Good news was immediately squashed like a filthy bug. The previous conversation was only reinforcing that thought that MC doesn't want me to transform. MC doesn't want me to better myself. I guess that's how enablers work. If you take away the dependency, you've removed their purpose and therefore disrupted their viewpoint of their roles. Come to find out, the transformation won't happen until August, anyway. It was just sharing that the office had a pretty clear schedule.
Why do I have the feeling that MC is just playing along? MC wants me to fail...no, that's too harsh. MC wants me to stay in the role I've always been in. She calls me about 30 minutes later. "I would never say anything to hurt you. I'm your mother, and I love you more than anyone ever will."
That's what hurts the most, MC.
